I'm working on some tips for avoiding illness when you have a big race/training block/party coming up that you cannot be sick for and your kids are projectile vomiting or hacking like Tiny Tim. Yes, my kids are sick. I am hiding. Here are my ideas:
1. Call the airline and get the heck out of dodge. Hit the race destination a few days early. Do whatever it takes. If they refuse to change your ticket, make up a relative and say they died. Do not, however, use a real relative's name or relation, because that is bad juju.
2. Beg your sister/babysitter/the neighborhood's crazy streetperson to come over and watch them and again, get the heck out. Offer to pay big bucks. Your sister has a big mortgage. Crazy lady has a booze habit to support. The sitter is considering quitting her Starbucks gig. (Advise against this, as it's nice to have your soy latte ready by the time you hit the front of the line.)
3. Refuse to clean up the puke. Invite the neighbor's golden retriever over, she's dumb enough to eat her own, so common sense implies...
4. If you must clean up the puke, dress up like your elementary school lunch lady. Face mask, pit-high rubber gloves and a shower cap. My youngest brother used to dress our boxer up like this for fun, and she'd slip around the house as Lunch Lady Stella looking angry.
5. When they climb into your bed at night to hack on you, wait as long as you can hold your breath for, then hightail it to their bed. Change the sheets, get in, and hope like mad they snuggle up against your spouse and fall back to sleep.
6. Set the timer on your watch to beep every 20 minutes, and wash your hands each time it beeps. It's good training for avoiding insanity when you do the same in your next Ironman to remind yourself to eat. Put watches on the kids (thanks Timex, for the 23 extra watches) and do the same for them.
7. Airborne. Vitamin C. Twice as often as recommended. You might end up with kidney stones, but you won't have that damn virus. Turn one of those unused fuel belts into a anti-germ utility belt, lysol wipes, vitamin C, hand sanitizer, spare face masks..
Not that I have a big race coming up. Because like I said in the last blog, Hawaii 70.3 is the big DNF. I know what you're thinking, but I swear, I'm not going to run this time. However, I would really really like to go run/swim/support without whatever Henry and Wyatt found at Chuck E. Cheese.
PS - I'm not trying to exclude the non-mom friends. This can apply to sick spouses, significant others, roommates, and small pets as well. Although those with small pets probably don't need to bring over the neighbor's dog.
PPS - Get well soon Wee!
RR- I am laughing so hard. This is freakin funny!!! :) #2 is classic!
ReplyDeletepat-
Um, I sorta think you had it coming...Chuck E Cheese? Just sayin....Those giant mechanical singing puppets on the stage scare the heck out of me.
ReplyDeleteAWESOME! I think I feel even better from laughin' so hard! See ya soon at the Spam Musubi 70.3! Don't bring any germs please... and if you accidentally do ONLY share them with coach so he knows what it feels like!
ReplyDeletePS... PLEASE never mention that you have 23 Timex watches Or any kind of device that can measure time/speed/HR/power around coach & near me...
ReplyDeleteI am on his $h!t list for never using any of that stuff and he is already loving that Liz & you actually use power/HR (I just have it to look cool but can't use it if I tried!).
Seriously, 23 watches!?!? That is crazy, sell them for $... I am thinking part time job. You know down in China Town in Waikiki people sell all sorts of watches for like 200 bucks each. Tell Ben you need more!
Oh Rach, don't be mean to Golden's, they are one of the smartest dogs, with an IQ of a 4 year old. Seriously, I looked it up. Google it. Ok, sorry just had to add that in since I am a dog lover ;-) Love ya, go kick some serious butt at the spam wasabi 70.3, while Lins and I will be at the potato 70.3 ;-) Ha, oh and dont tell Wee that I am now learning to use power! She would die....
ReplyDeleteE
I just peed myself laughing (which as you know... Moms do that). Don't forget instead of rubbing pretty smelling lotions all over you..... just use purell!
ReplyDelete:-) mary
Chuck E Cheese is a germ factory.. I refuse to take my kids there anymore, no matter how loud the whining gets.
ReplyDeleteWe too play musical beds when the kids are sick, though ours tend to hunt Mom down even through multiple bed changes ;-)
Good luck in Kona and before..
I plan to race the Hawaii 70.3 at some point, figure it's my only chance of racing in Kona..
ok, I have one for you.
ReplyDeleteBeing a dental hygienist, I'm somewhat of a freak on infection control/universal precautions. This is the term used to follow a strict protocol so that you don't get yourself or your patients sick!
I take it somewhat "out of the office" like when I'm at a restaurant and I go to grab the salt shaker/grinder to salt my olive oil before dipping my bread in it. I have to use the Purell from my purse after touching the grinder because I'm grossed out at the thought of 60 billion other people touching it and then I do and then I'm gonna put that piece of bread in my mouth..
Freak.. I know..lol.
Anyway, I hope you heal up soon. I have my own plethera of injuries for 2008 that should last me a good solid century, thank you!
Maybe we should be taking the vinegar,accupunture, dolphin swimming route?
So physically removing the 60 year old woman hacking up a lounge in the cubicle down the hall from the office isn't an option?
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a great picture at the bottom of the page!
Ummm - Okay TGP (Elaine) just made me SUPER germaphobic about restaurants and utensils, and the salt and pepper shaker. Um - thanks?
ReplyDeleteAirborn - vitamin C (plenty - because you'll just pee it out anyway). Additionally, I take extra zinc (also a staple in airborne - but it works for me), Cold- eze AND ecchinatia tea or ecchinatia herbal drops. Sorry about the awful spelling. Anyone who can muddle their way thorugh my blog should know that by now. Oh yeah - and you can also do the really stylish thing and wear a mask around the house. I swear that I did it on the plane ride out to California before I broke my back - I got some funny looks BUT I didn't get sick.
Besides, you'r family is used to your looking weird, right? So an extra germ mask won't hurt anything... :) Good luck! HEaling vibes your way!
hey rachel, happened on ur blog from bree's links....i have to say, that is absolutely hilarious!
ReplyDelete~best at the 70.3HI
So funny! Dog are very good at cleaning the throw up. We never needed them for human throw up, but one of ours always eats the other ones throw up. Gross! Good luck at your personal Hawaii 70.3 "aquabike" division.
ReplyDeleteMolly would gladly volunteer to eat throw up and cuddle in bed with your kids. Eileen is right--the dog does have the IQ of a 4-year old (unless it comes to food). I am often embarassed when my human 4-year old refers to the dog as her sister and tells strangers at the grocery store that I "left her sister alone in the car but it's okay because the windows are down."
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a good time at Honu and that your kids hurry up and get well soon!
-Danielle
LOL! Thanks for the laugh, Rach! LOVE the fuel belt idea - brilliant. I take these crazy green pills called Enerprime to keep from getting sick. And when someone in my house is sick... I take so many, it practically turns my poop green. But all be darned if I'm hardly ever sick (knock on wood). Maybe it can also be attributed to being a teacher for so many years. My immune system had to BUCK UP.
ReplyDeleteHave FUN in Kona. I'm jealous!
OH now I know the neighbor's dog is worth something instead of the pain in the ass barker...here pouchy puke eating time :) That is great!!!! 4 kids = a lot of PUKE!!
ReplyDeleteChuck E. Cheese and the doctor's office is the worst germ places ever...stay clear!!!!
I will be cheering for you this weekend....crush the swim and bike :)
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI don't know about you but I find sick spouses much harder to handle than sick kids. It's best to lock them in the bedroom for a couple of days and ignore whatever sounds they make. Thanks for the tip on having the dog clean up the puke. Can't believe I hadn't thought of that before!!